Regular readers of Resource will be aware that Horatio Nelson has more than one column: he’s got the one in Trafalgar Square, to be sure, but also another in each issue of this very magazine, where he continues to fight the good fight. No, it’s not against the pesky French anymore, but against wastefulness. The hero of the Napoleonic Wars is now using his tactical genius to determine ways in which the world can allocate ever-dwindling resources as efficiently as possible.

And, for the uninitiated, Silas Wegg is currently the controversial commentator for LARAC’s magazine the Loop, but he’s also a man with a past. He was first described by one Charles Dickens in Our Mutual Friend as a wily one-legged scoundrel who blackmails a wealthy dustman out of his hard-earned money. But that was in 1865. Having long since mended his ways, our dear Weggy is (from the comfort of his retirement) a cutting thorn in the side of waste scoundrels – of the governmental, corporate and underground variety alike.

Earlier this year, the two illustrious commentators found themselves in the same real ale pub sharing a glass of sherry and a pint of porter, respectively, over a round table. The following is an excerpt of the ensuing conversation during which they comprehensively set the world to rights.

Silas Wegg: It’s times like these I’m glad to have hobbled off into early retirement.

Horatio Nelson: Yes, I do find myself in a distressingly unusual situation – fighting what looks like a losing battle against the Great British government.

SW: Well, having sided with the ‘Environmental Taliban’, our mutual friends of the earth, what do you expect, old chap?

HN: I expect that every man will do his duty by the environment, but such a mindset clearly has yet to seep into the upper echelons of this most jaded government ever.

SW: Yes, well, greenery hasn’t got much pulling power in terms of votes now, has it? But it seems to me some of the people they’ve put in place are truly offensive to those of a verdant sensibility. Who do you think will sink first – Caroline or Eric? Fat floats and scum always rises to the top, so it’s a difficult call from where I’m reclining.

HN: Well, yes. Caroline’s tied to a lot of woodland at the moment, so she could always build a raft and float away. And as for Eric, he appears to be a difficult entity to budge. That hulk could withstand a few cannon balls, a broadside and a plate of grape shot.

SW: Indeed – I was trolling the interweb the other day and was surprised to find Eric Pickles (green in name, but little else) is the third most popular Conservative on what I believe is known as the party’s house page.

HN: He’s clearly giving the party what it wants when it comes to this weekly bin manoeuvre, but I dare say it will backfire with the public, as signalled by his marginal retreat.

SW: Had I been given his governmental briefs (God forbid), I would have used the opportunity of coming to power to back down with dignity.

HN: But he seems to have chosen a course and will never truly back down. He sees no sense. I once used a similar tactic, but I have only one eye. I have a right to be blind sometimes. What’s his excuse?

SW: You could say that he’s ‘doing a Nelson’ and ignoring what he doesn’t want to see.

HN: In this instance it seems more obstinacy than tactical genius. As I always say, though: ‘When the enemy is committed to making a mistake, we must not interrupt him too soon.’

SW: Mmm. His face will be smeared with egg (as well as the remnants of yesterday’s breakfast) when no local authority applies for a slice of the £250 million pie – none of their residents are hungry for it! In the end, the money will have to be recycled into another project – at least then the government can say it’s recycling something…

HN: Well, with recycling rates rising and 90 per cent of people claiming to recycle, government forces will doubtless claim victory in that battle anyway. But the problem we face is that some residents are not men of honour – we cannot take them at their word, so they must be commanded to do what’s right!

SW: Are you suggesting we force them? Please. What do you want to do – tie up one arm and leave the other free to recycle?

HN [laughing]: Kerbhaul them as we’d keelhaul a wayward sailor in my day! But, seriously, there is something of a logical inevitability to compulsory recycling or at least ‘pay as you throw’. As I noted in my last column, materials are on an unstoppable upward trend. The government – local and national – will at some point have to intervene to ensure the value stays in the national purse and isn’t carried off by scoundrels who would cherrypick, leaving the people with the dregs of the recyclable booty, as it were.

SW: You sound like a Communist, Horatio Nelson! And I dare say you can’t see the full picture.

HN: How dare you! You haven’t got a leg to stand on!

SW: You must realise, my good man, that times have changed since you commanded the Victory, and while you can no longer expect that every man will do his duty, you can no more force a duty upon a man. It’s softly, softly does it these days. In any case, a system with a single service provider seems destined to breed complacency.

HN: Despite your momentary insolence, I see what you’re saying. Undoubtedly, adequate scrutiny, if not competition, must be in place. But as it is, we’ve allowed a few men in shiny suits to command the fate of the country’s resources. There is a strategic error in how we currently operate.

SW: Do you mean the continual oblivion to the worth of what we command? Those that collect waste refuse to see the (fluctuating) value as they are duty-bound to minimise risk. And those that sort the waste compound the issue by building their business models around gate fees rather than commodity prices. Value is repeatedly ignored.

HN: But I do think some people out there have realised the error of our ways and are starting to change course. Let us not forget it takes time to manoeuvre a fleet of ships.

SW: And anyway, remember that waste is like war: if we do our job well enough, there won’t be any more of it – you’ll be out of your job and on shore leave, and that just won’t do!

HN: How right you are. Kiss me, Weggy!